How many parents never yell at their children? Not many, I’m guessing, and certainly not me. I’m not proud of that; but sometimes it seems as if my teenagers are hell bent on frustrating me. It was even worse when they were toddlers, fighting me about seemingly innocuous things like clothing, baths, and naptime. Parenting can be challenging—how many of us have trouble just getting out the door on time with our kids? And depending on your own upbringing, yelling—or at least responding with an angry tone—may seem like the natural response to noncompliance or misbehavior. But is it really effective? And, if it isn’t, what is? For answers, look no further than two new books that have come out on the topic: Is That Me Yelling?, by parenting expert and radio host, Rona Renner, and Mindful Discipline, by psychologist Shauna Shapiro and pediatrician Chris White. Both books tackle the problem of raising recalcitrant kids, while offering solutions that are both more compassionate and successful than traditional disciplinary tactics. In Is That Me Yelling?, Renner argues that discipline through yelling does nothing but scare children and make a bad situation worse. Children learn through imitation, and yelling at your kids is bound to encourage their bullying others to get their way. Though yelling might cause a child to comply in the short term, it rarely leads to long-lasting changes in behavior or better self-discipline. Renner believes that parents often get frustrated because they have behavioral expectations that are too high for their children’s developmental level. Children’s brains—even teens’—are not fully developed, she writes, and they cannot always anticipate the consequences of their actions or plan ahead to avoid future pitfalls. Younger children, in particular, tend to live in the present and not think beyond their immediate situation. So your rush to get your toddler to school on time means little or nothing to her. Differences in temperament between children and their parents can be causes for friction. A parent who is quiet and slow to warm up to new situations will probably be frustrated by a child who is more rambunctious or who plunges into activities without thinking. This can lead to parents thinking their child is misbehaving when in fact they are merely expressing their difference. Renner suggests that parents who yell a lot should first keep track of how often and under what circumstances they yell, in order to gain some self-awareness. She also provides strategies—like focused breathing or taking a time out—that parents can use to keep their cool when they feel like yelling. Calming allows parents to better decide what their child needs in the moment and to show empathy before taking disciplinary action. Ideally, discipline will involve what Renner calls the “four C’s”: using communication which is short and non-blaming, giving your child choices which are real and simple, having consequences for noncompliance that make sense for your child and her developmental level, and fostering connection with your child. Renner’s book is written in a very empathic way, making it easy to read if you’re a parent. She has good suggestions for parents in special circumstances—such as going through a divorce or having children with disabilities—that may increase a parent’s frustration and propensity to yell. And, though Renner holds parents responsible for their behavior, she also recognizes that parents aren’t perfect and should practice self-compassion. “As you learn to yell less and be kind to yourself more, it will become easier for you to be respectful toward your child, even when he is doing something to test your patience, “ she writes. “If you keep this in mind you will be more likely to manage and transform your negative reactions in order to be a good role model for your child,” This message is echoed by Shapiro and White in their book, Mindful Discipline. The authors question typical approaches to discipline—“parent-centered” discipline that aims for total compliance or “child-centered” discipline that puts children in charge, suggesting neither is effective. They claim that a more mindful approach to discipline empowers parents while supporting children in gaining self-discipline. The practice of mindfulness—learning to pay attention to one’s moment-to-moment feelings, thoughts, and experience without judgment—is particularly helpful in parenting, they argue, because it helps parents to see more clearly what to do in situations where their kids challenge them. Similar to Renner’s view, they believe parents can be better at discipline when they understand their child’s behavior, modulate their own reactions, and nurture the relationship with their child. They suggest five main things parents need to provide children for healthy discipline: unconditional love, space to be themselves, mentoring that helps them understand how the world works, appropriate boundaries to keep them safe, and opportunities to learn from mistakes. Each of these is key to a positive relationship with your child and encourages them to develop more self-discipline in the long run. For example, mistakes—which they like to call “mis-takes”—are necessary to learning and should be accepted, not punished. When parents equate discipline with intimidation or punishment only, they miss out on discipline’s root meaning, which is “to teach.” “Mis-takes—especially when followed up with kindness and humility—are actually very nourishing to your child’s developing psyche,” they write. Mis-takes help children “move beyond rigid idealism” to see things “how they actually are” and to “experience and practice forgiveness” for themselves and others. So, if your child spills his milk at the dinner table, using mindfulness can help you notice your irritation, calm yourself in the moment, realize he didn’t do it on purpose, and suggest he make amends by cleaning up the spill. Shapiro and White provide specific practices parents can use to develop more mindfulness. And, though Renner’s book feels more directly prescriptive, they outline nicely the philosophy behind mindful discipline, while providing at least some background on the research supporting their approach—though not as much as readers might like. Reading the books together inspired me to take a step back and really think about how I approach my kids on an everyday basis. It’s so easy to think in the moment that our kids need to do what we want them to do. But, it’s also clear that when we treat our kids’ needs with disrespect and push for compliance only, we push them away emotionally and inhibit their ability to do things for themselves. When it comes to discipline, we can all do better than yelling.

When psychologist and mindfulness researcher Shauna Shapiro started noticing some behavioral problems with her 3-year-old son, she realized that being an effective parent required more than just a loving attachment. But, while Shapiro wanted to learn ways to set limits and teach appropriate behavior to her child, she found that many discipline approaches lack an emphasis on compassion, attunement, and relationship—the things she valued most. In consulting about her son with pediatrician and parenting coach Chris White, Shapiro discovered that many of White’s parenting techniques were fundamentally related to the principles of mindfulness—the nonjudgmental, moment-to-moment awareness of our thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations, and immediate environment. Together they decided to write a book, Mindful Discipline—published this month—which outlines a new way of disciplining children, one that combines firm boundaries with loving connection. I spoke with Shauna about her book and the idea of mindful discipline. Jill Suttie: What is mindful discipline, and how does it differ from traditional concepts of discipline? Shauna Shapiro: The word “discipline” has a negative connotation in our culture and in our society. Many parents think discipline is overly harsh and antiquated. But when you look at the root of the word, discipline is really about teaching and learning. As a parent, you want to teach your child skills that are going to help them to cultivate greater happiness and health in their lives. So the idea in our book was to reclaim the word discipline. Mindful discipline involves disciplining in a conscious, loving way that can deeply support your child’s growth and development. It’s about being attuned to the present moment so that you know what the most skillful action is in any given moment and what is most needed in any given moment. Discipline will really not be impactful unless a parent is first and foremost present and connected with themselves and with their child. Parenting is not a flip chart, where you first do A, then B, then C. It’s really a dynamic process, and mindfulness is the best tool that I’ve come across in terms of seeing what’s most needed in any given moment and responding to life. JS: What are the important elements of mindful discipline? SS: We begin with unconditional love because first and foremost children need to know that they are loved, and that this love will not be taken away. This unconditional love gives our children space to be themselves, and they retain a basic trust in the world and a sense of their inherent value as human beings. Feeling a degree of autonomy, they remain curious, engaged, and develop an increasing sense of responsibility over their lives. However, children also need mentorship and healthy boundaries. Mentorship provides the modeling and direct building of skills that you as a parent have to offer your children. Often parents think that in order to preserve their loving connection, they cannot set strong limits and boundaries. This is not accurate. Offering our children strong clear boundaries creates a sense of safety, and a clear recognition of who is the parent and who is the child. We call this a “loving hierarchy.” Lastly and perhaps most surprisingly, our “mis-takes” can end up nour­ishing our children. We write “mis-takes” instead of “mistakes” to signify that these are “missed takes”—moments or occasions when we missed the mark and need to correct course. In this way, mis-takes can be seen as potentially beneficial and nourishing, rather than simply bad or wrong. JS: Mistakes are beneficial? How so? SS: The most harmful thing that plagues us as parents is that we think we’re doing it all wrong, that we’re not OK, and that we’re not good enough. But making mistakes is part of parenting; we can learn from them and they can enhance vulnerability, authenticity, and connection with our children. We write about mistakes in a way that allows parents to realize a parenting mistake is not their fault, yet they are responsible to try to make it right. Causes and conditions may have led a parent to that moment; but once they see they’ve made a mistake, parents can take responsibility and make it right. In that way, they can model to their child that it’s OK to mess up; they don’t have to be perfect. Being human is not a big self-improvement project. When we start acknowledging mistakes, instead of shaming ourselves or our children, it creates a spaciousness and a sense of ease and relief, knowing it’s OK to be imperfect. JS: Many parents aim for compliance in their children, yet you warn against that. Why? SS: Compliance is great in the short term. I love it when my son just does exactly what I ask him to do! But compliance at the cost of the relationship has no value. I think the intention with our book was to say you can have both: you can have compliance and you can keep the loving connection. Sometimes parents don’t step into their role with enough authority and control, and then overexert it when in distress mode. We’re inviting parents to create a loving hierarchy, where you claim your role as a parent and it’s clear who’s making the decisions. At times, however, it is helpful to create environments where the child leads. For example, when I go hiking with my son, I might invite him to be the “leader.” He gets to decide what path we’ll take, and I’ll follow him; he decides when we take our breaks, where we stop for lunch. But ultimately we both know who decides what time we are leaving for school, and whether or not he brushes his teeth. There’s clarity in a hierarchy and it creates a sense of safety for the child. JS:  Isn’t it hard to find the right balance between allowing kids autonomy and giving them appropriate boundaries? SS: That’s where mindfulness comes in. The word mindfulness means to see clearly, and so what we’re trying to do is to see with discernment. What is most needed in this moment? Is it space, autonomy, or a boundary? Or maybe it’s some of each: you can run around the park, but here’s a line you can’t cross—a non-negotiable line. Children can hear it in your voice when you’re clear and you’re not angry, but you’re also not going to move from your line. JS: Mindful discipline seems like it might be easier to do in theory than in practice. How do you handle those difficult moments, like when you’re stressed and trying to get out the door? SS: Sometimes, we don’t handle difficulty very well. And that’s where self-forgiveness comes in. As Ram Das says, “You fall off the path 1000 times, the trick is to get back on 1001.” As we learn from our mistakes, we can begin to create an environment that supports ourselves and our child. For example, maybe I realize that it’s during the morning routine where drama happens in the family. Once I realize that rushing and running late always leads to a breakdown, I can choose to get up a little earlier, or pack lunch the night before. Then, there can be spaciousness around my toddler not feeling like getting dressed right now. I have time to connect, listen, and then gently guide him to getting dressed. From my experience, it’s when you’re off-balance that a child pushing harder can throw you completely. If you’re more centered, then you can respond clearly in that moment. Of course, there may be certain boundaries where there is no negotiation—i.e., you must wear rain-boots if it’s raining outside! But what color socks you wear, that’s negotiable. Being mindful can help you stay clear about what’s negotiable and what isn’t. JS: What do you recommend when you’re about to lose it, besides forethought? SS: Planning ahead is definitely the best recipe. But when you’re in those moments, I recommend first pausing and taking a breath before you do anything else. Connect with yourself and remember your intention: My intention is to maintain unconditional love and connection with my child, even as I set boundaries. The problem is when we start negotiating around non-negotiable things—For example saying to our 4-year old, “Sweetie, please put on your socks, Mommy has to go to work.” Your child’s prefrontal cortex isn’t formed yet. He’s not going to feel bad for you and realize he needs to put on his socks or you will be late for work. Trying to coax or rationalize him into it is not appropriate. What is needed is a clear voice with no options: “We’re putting your socks on now.” There are different techniques for different developmental stages that we outline in the book; but the most important thing is to stay connected to your intention and to remain calm and clear. If we want to encourage impulse control and adaptability in our children, we have to have these ourselves. JS: Do you see your book turning into some kind of course for parents? SS: I do. In fact, we created a very brief online course that people are starting to register for. It’s a synthesis of our book, with each chapter getting about 5-10 minutes of video treatment. I also plan to keep teaching experiential workshops for parents when I can. But the book is just a start; it’s not the Holy Grail. For me, it’s really the opening of a conversation, a continued exploration of how to best parent, how to best serve our children, and how to be most authentically and joyfully alive as a parent. I really offer it from a place of humility, and not as an expert. At some level, parents already know all of what we are teaching. This book, Mindful Discipline, is simply a reminder, guiding parents back to their own wise and loving hearts.

Mindfulness is good for you. In thousands of studies, moment-to-moment, non-judgmental attention has been shown to improve well-being, strengthen relationships, increase focus and attention, and even boost our immune systems. So it’s no surprise that therapists have taken an interest in using mindfulness with their patients. The potential for benefit is clearly great. But how can therapists actually incorporate mindfulness into their practice? And, is it always helpful to patients? To get answers to these questions, look no further than Sitting Together: Essential Skills for Mindfulness-Based Psychotherapy. The authors—Harvard-based psychologists Susan Pollak and Ronald Siegel, and clinical social worker Thomas Pedulla—provide a wealth of research demonstrating the benefits of mindfulness for both therapists and patients, along with detailed guidance on when and how mindfulness practices might be useful in specific therapeutic situations. There seems to be little controversy over therapists practicing mindfulness themselves, and the authors highly recommend doing so. In several studies, researchers found that therapists who practice mindfulness experience less burnout, more self-compassion, and a better connection with their patients, leading to more well-being for therapists. Additionally, some research shows that therapists who practice mindfulness are more highly rated by their patients. Therapists can easily incorporate mindfulness into their days as clinicians, the authors write. They suggest taking a mindful eating break or using an unexpected “no-show” hour to eschew paperwork in favor of mindful meditation, which can help therapists decrease resentment and develop more self-compassion. Simple mindfulness practices like these can help therapists tap into their own joy and increase their tolerance for experiencing difficult emotions, benefitting themselves and their patients. But therapists need to take more care when suggesting mindfulness practices for their patients, according to the authors. Mindfulness involves practicing three basic skill sets, each with different effects: Concentration, or focusing attention on a fixed object of awareness, which can help you understand the way your minds work; Open monitoring, or paying attention to whatever is passing through your consciousness, which can help you remain curious and open to whatever emerges in life; and Acceptance, which involves a developing a compassionate stance towards your experience and yourself. Though each skill is important to mindfulness, any one can potentially help or hinder a patient’s healing. For example, patients who are very anxious and jittery may not be able to sit still and focus on their breath without increasing their anxiety; they might instead benefit more from walking meditation or focused attention on something outside themselves, such as sounds in their environment. A woman stuck in an abusive marriage may not benefit most from loving-kindness meditations, instead needing to connect with her anger through just talking about her situation and considering her options. Mindfulness practices don’t always augment therapy, but they can certainly help in many situations. The authors guide therapists through the circumstances to consider before prescribing mindfulness practices for patients. For example, therapists should be experienced practitioners themselves and take into consideration the readiness of their patients to handle mindfulness experiences. They must understand how different mindfulness practices impact people—i.e. knowing whether the practice offers a sense of peace and safety, which some acceptance practices do, or whether it intensifies awareness of thoughts and emotions, which concentration or open awareness practices might do. These and other issues, such as the strength of the therapeutic relationship, should be considered before implementing mindfulness with patients, they warn. Patients may not be open to the idea of mindfulness because of religious or other reasons. In this case, the authors suggest that therapists introduce mindfulness as a scientifically-proven stress reliever, rather than a secular version of a Buddhist practice. Therapists can also provide graduated experiences for patients, using time in the therapy session to make sure patients feel comfortable with the practices and that concerns are addressed. The authors have both a firm grasp on mindfulness and important insight into the therapeutic process. Their book is full of clinical examples as well as detailed directions on how to use mindfulness in different therapeutic situations with different kinds of patients. If you are a therapist interested in incorporating mindfulness into your own life or into the work you do with patients, I highly recommend this thorough, thoughtful book.

Psychologist and author Shauna Shapiro explains what she sees as the three core components to mindfulness: intention, attention, and attitude.

Supervisors: Have you ever considered that bringing out the best in your employees and organization may lie in your mindfulness practice?  We’ve seen rising interest in the impact of cultivating moment-to-moment awareness in the workplace. Most research has focused on benefits for employees who practice meditation or who possess high mindfulness traits or skills, like accepting feelings without judgment. Yet, very little work has been done to examine how someone’s mindfulness influences other people in a workplace setting. Is it possible that your mindfulness practice could influence your colleagues? In two studies published in the journal Mindfulness, researchers sought to examine the effect of supervisors’ mindful traits on various aspects of employee well-being and performance. Ninety-six supervisors and their subordinates from a variety of industries took part in the first study. In addition to measuring the level of mindfulness in the supervisor, this first study examined their employees’ emotional exhaustion, work-life balance, and overall job performance, among other measures. The researchers confirmed their hypothesis: the more mindful the leader, the lower the employee’s emotional exhaustion. More leader mindfulness was also associated with better work-life balance for the employee and better overall job performance ratings of the employee.  The second study sought to conceptually replicate the findings of the first, and also extend it a bit further by including the examination of “organizational citizenship behaviors” while trying to find a potential mediating variable for their feelings of satisfaction. Once again, leader mindfulness was significantly associated with greater satisfaction and more favorable job performance ratings. And this time, they also found that the more mindful the supervisor, the more likely the employee was to engage in good citizenship, such as showing concern toward co-workers and expressing opinions honestly even when others may disagree. But the second study also found that something could stand in the way between a mindful leader and a happy employee—the absence of feelings of autonomy, competence, and connection with other people. That finding suggests that mindfulness alone isn’t enough; employees don’t receive the same benefits unless these basic psychological needs are also being met. Although further replications with more diverse samples are needed, the results from this study suggest that the quality of attention and awareness that a leader possesses may actually have a direct impact on those she or he supervises. The results of this study also fit well within the broader mindfulness literature suggesting that mindfulness improves social relationships, communication, and empathic concern towards others. So, supervisor: Does this mean that your company should start offering mindfulness classes to leaders like you? Perhaps. But in the meantime, there’s no reason why you can’t start meditating on your own.

Psychologist and author Shauna Shapiro explains new research into how meditation changes the brain.

Attachment theory predicts that children who had warm, close relationships with caregivers will grow into adults who are equipped to have open and trusting relationships of their own. On the flipside, research finds that mistreated children are more likely to have insecure adult relationships. Can mindfulness act as an antidote to the deleterious effects of childhood abuse and neglect? In other words, can mindfulness help people who were maltreated as children to restore their security in relationships as an adult? Those are the questions tackled by University of California, Davis, researchers in a new study published in the journal Mindfulness. During a three-day retreat, the researchers taught mindfulness and loving-kindness practices to women who had experienced childhood maltreatment. For instance, they were guided through a body scan (systematically bringing attention to each part of the body), mediations in which they regarded thoughts with non-judgment and acceptance, and a practice in which they paired with another participant to silently offer and receive compassion to each other. The researchers administered questionnaires to participants before the retreat, and at two points in the month afterward—and compared their answers to women who were on a wait-list for the intervention, in an effort to understand how the retreat affected participants. The results suggested that the retreat led to reduced emotional suppression and rumination, more emotional clarity, and better emotion regulation. The women also wrote a narrative about their childhood trauma before and after the retreat took place. When the researchers compared the language structures that the women used at different time points, they found that following the retreat, the women used significantly more mindfulness-based words. The researchers concluded that these women were now approaching thoughts and emotions about experiences in relationships with less judgment and more self-awareness. Why might mindfulness help victims of childhood maltreatment? The authors write that past research has shown that mindfulness and a secure attachment style are often related to each other. Mindfulness might act as an “antidote” for people who are insecure in their relationships as a result of childhood abuse because mindfulness allows them to become aware of thoughts and emotions, without judging or overreacting to them. This non-judgmental, non-reactive approach can help people identify thoughts and emotions with more clarity and objectivity, rather than automatically suppressing or becoming caught up in them. In this way, mindfulness likely enables people to more deeply understand their own and others’ behavior, and respond more wisely to distressing thoughts, emotions, and behaviors related to relationships. The finding that a mindfulness intervention can help repair attachment wounds also has significant clinical implications. “Without appropriate clinical interventions,” write the researchers, “individuals exposed to relational trauma in childhood are at greater risk for difficulties in adult relationships and parenting.” At present, there is not much in the way of treatment for individual adults who have experienced childhood maltreatment: this study shows that mindfulness could help change that.

In some Buddhist traditions, there’s a prayer in which one makes a rather unusual request of the universe: Bring me challenges and obstacles. “In certain temples that I’ve been to, there’s actually a prayer that you make asking for difficulties,” says Western Buddhist master Jack Kornfield. “May I be given the appropriate difficulties so that my heart can truly open with compassion. Imagine asking for that.” Being grateful for not only life’s blessing but also its suffering is a key component of living a spiritual life—and more broadly, to a fulfilling and meaningful life—according to Kornfield, who will speak about cultivating an appreciation for all that life has to offer at next month’s Greater Good Gratitude Summit. Trained in the monasteries of India, Thailand, and Burma, Kornfield has studied and taught meditation for over 40 years, and has pioneered transmitting ancient Buddhist spiritual teachings to a modern Western audience. After working in the Peace Corps and earning a doctorate in clinical psychology, Kornfield founded the Insight Meditation Center in Barre, MA, and later, Spirit Rock Meditation Center in Marin County, California. He’s also authored a number of books on mindfulness, compassion, and Buddhist psychology, notably his 1993 bestseller A Path with Heart: A Guide Through the Perils and Promises of Spiritual Life. “This life is a test— it is only a test,” Kornfield writes in A Path With Heart. “If it had been an actual life, you would have received further instructions on where to go and what to do. Remember, this life is only a test.” We spoke to Kornfield—originally for HuffPost Health Living—about the importance of being grateful (even for the bad things), the “mindful revolution,” and the importance of giving back. Carolyn Gregoire: Why is gratitude an essential component of a spiritual life? Jack Kornfield: If we see the world as sacred, which is an expression of the spiritual life, then gratitude follows immediately and naturally. We’ve been given the extraordinary privilege of incarnating as human beings—and of course the human incarnation entails the 10,000 joys and 10,000 sorrows, as it says in the Tao Te Ching—but with it we have the privilege of the lavender color at sunset, the taste of a tangerine in our mouth, and the almost unbearable beauty of life around us, along with its troubles. It keeps recreating itself. We can either be lost in a smaller state of consciousness—what in Buddhist psychology is called the “body of fear,” which brings suffering to us and to others—or we can bring the quality of love and appreciation, which I would call gratitude, to life. With it comes a kind of trust. The poet Pablo Neruda writes, “You can pick all the flowers, but you can’t stop the spring.” Life keeps recreating itself and presenting us with miracles every day. CG: It’s easier for us to feel grateful for things that make us happy and that make life easy for us. But how do we learn to be grateful for life’s “10,000 sorrows”? JK: I remember my meditation master in the jungles of Thailand who would ask at times, “Where have you learned more compassion? Where have you learned more? Where has your heart grown wiser—in just having good times, or going through difficulties?” There’s a Buddhist-oriented therapy in Japan called Naikan Therapy, and one part of that training is to review your life and begin to remember all the things you have gratitude towards, even the things that were difficult and taught you lessons. Or even the people that were difficult, sometimes in your own family— [remembering] the gratitude you have for family, that they’re even there. And speaking of gratitude, in a group that I taught recently, there was a man who spoke up whose son and daughter-in-law had become meth addicts. They were both addicts to the point where this fellow and his wife as grandparents had to take the children and raise their grandchildren. After a moment of great despair, he began to do a gratitude practice to see what he could be grateful for. He was grateful to have the grandchildren in that way, he was grateful that his children were still alive and that they were considering treatment. He was grateful for the depths of compassion that had grown when he learned about the waves of addiction that were prevalent in the country, and that he could somehow contribute to bringing an end to it…. He said that by being able to find gratitude as well, he was able to bear the difficulties and to bring some grace and love to it. CG: What is the connection between gratitude and mindfulness? Is it that when we’re more mindful, it’s easier for us to experience gratitude because we’re more aware of the good things? JK: To become mindful—which Zen master Suzuki Roshi also called “beginner’s mind”—is to see the world afresh without being lost in our reactions and judgments, and in seeing it afresh with a clarity, we begin to be able to respond to the world rather than react to it. I like to translate mindfulness as loving awareness—an awareness that knows what’s present, and also brings a quality of compassion and lovingkindness to that. The cultivation of mindfulness—which modern neuroscience has now shown in 3,000 papers and studies in the last two decades to help bring emotional regulation, steady attention, and physical healing—really allows us to become present for our own body, for the person in front of us, for the life we’ve been given. Out of that grows quite naturally the spirit of gratitude. Now it turns out, like all good things, they feed one another. Cultivating an opening to gratitude also helps us to become more mindful of the life around us and what circumstance we’re in. CG: We live a culture defined by consumerism, materialism and addictions—so often we feel we’re not enough, and we’re constantly trying to fill a void with more “stuff.” Why is American society in particular so in need of gratitude, and how can we cultivate this sense of appreciation and abundance when we’re socialized to live with a sense of lack? JK: One very articulate writer on this subject, Anne Wilson Schaef [author of When Society Becomes an Addict], has described ours as an addicted society. Whether it’s consumerism or addictive substances or just keeping ourselves busy or being online or working 80 hours a week, we have things that keep us busy because, in some ways, the culture wants us to keep engaged and not to look around much… not to see the struggles of people, the continuing injustice, the economic disparities, the people who are hungry, climate change. What becomes clear is that there’s no outer fix or satisfaction—no amount of computers, no amount of nanotechnology or biotechnology and all the great things that we’ve developed that will stop us from continuing warfare, racism and environment destruction. Those outer developments have to be matched by a transformation of human consciousness to realize that we are interdependent and we depend on the air we breathe, and on people in other nations as they depend on us. We are woven, as Dr. Martin Luther King said, into a single garment of destiny. When we see this, we begin to realize that the values of consumerism and getting more and more—which start to become emptier and emptier—don’t satisfy the heart. When we look at what’s satisfied us in the past week or month or decade, it’s been the connections, the love and the openness of our lives to the places we’ve traveled and the people we’ve met. This really is the basis for gratitude. Then we start to sense that it is possible to live with a quieter mind and an open heart, and with a sense of satisfaction within ourselves—it’s the satisfaction of well-being. CG: We are beginning to witness the seeds of this shift taking place, with the recent explosion of interest in meditation. You’ve been a key player in bringing Buddhist practices to the West for more than 40 years now. How have you seen attitudes towards mindfulness shift in that time? JK: Mindfulness, in the beginning, was associated mistakenly with a religious practice, when in fact Buddhist teachings, at their essence, are a science of mind which simply offer us these universal trainings that can steady and balance our attention, and give us a deeper connection to ourselves and one another. Fortunately, with all those 3,000 research studies that I mentioned and the great neuroscience that’s been done, it becomes clear with the understanding of neuroplasticity that we can train our mind and our heart through attention. It helps schoolchildren, it helps in healing and clinics, and it helps attention, whether you’re writing computer program or a business plan or making love or creating a piece of art—the ability to steady the attention to be fully present is an enormous gift. I’ve seen mindfulness as a training and as an opportunity for the growth of presence and wisdom to be spreading in all these areas. I’m really happy for the benefit that it’s bringing. CG: Some critics of mindfulness have argued that the practice is too focused on the individual, at the expense of fostering a spirit of collectivity and positive social change. Do you think this is true? How do giving back and service figure into a spiritual practice? JK: It’s very simple. There’s a saying, “There are only two things to do: Sit, and sweep the garden.” This is like breathing in and breathing out. You quiet the mind and the heart so that you’re connected to yourself and listen to what really matters. Then you get up from that stillness, and if people are hungry, you offer food. If there’s injustice, you offer yourself for the healing of that injustice. In fact, it allows us to become agents of change because we are actually attentive and present for what is without being overwhelmed by it and without distracting ourselves. In that way, mindfulness is actually one of the necessary components of making a real transformation in whatever field or dimension of society we would choose. It supports it, and it leads towards it, and it allows people to do it without burnout. If you work for good causes but you do it out of anger and frustration and guilt—and all of those other motivations I’ve seen among activists I’ve worked with—you will burn out. But if that same compassion and care comes instead from the power of love and steadiness and a deep devotion to what is just and right, it has equal if not greater power. Mahatma Gandhi took one day a week in silence, even in the midst of marches of thousands and the ending of the British colonial empire. When everything was in the middle of this huge transformation, he would say, “I’m sorry, this is my day of silence.” And he would sit and quiet himself and try to listen to what was the most compassionate and skillful and powerful response he could make, coming from that deep center of wisdom. So rather than removing us from the world, it allows us to affect the world in a different and in many cases more profound way.

Sixty percent of people who experience a single episode of depression are likely to experience a second. Ninety percent of people who go through three episodes of depression are likely to have a fourth. But help is available: The 8-week Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy (MBCT) program been shown to reduce the risk of relapse. How does it work? To find out, researchers in the United Kingdom interviewed 11 adults who had experienced three or more episodes of severe depression, and had undergone MBCT within the previous three years. They analyzed the interviews to create a model, published in the journal Mindfulness, to demonstrate how MBCT enables people to relate mindfully to the self and with others. The key, it seems, lies in the way MBCT enhances relationships: Less stress about relationships in turn helps prevent future episodes of depression. Three specific themes emerged from the study: 1. Being present to the self: Learning to pause, identify, and respond Mindfulness practices of MBCT allowed people to be more intentionally aware of the present moment, which gave them space to pause before reacting automatically to others. Instead of becoming distressed about rejection or criticism, they stepped back to understand their own automatic reactions—and to become more attuned to others’ needs and emotions. Awareness gave them more choice in how to respond, instead of becoming swept up in escalating negative emotion. 2. Facing fears: It’s ok to say “no” Participants also reported that they became more assertive in saying ‘no’ to others in order to lessen their load of responsibility, allowing them to become more balanced in acknowledging their own as well as others’ needs. The authors speculate that bringing mindful awareness to uncomfortable experiences helped people to approach situations that they would previously avoid, which fostered self-confidence and assertiveness. 3. Being present with others Being present to others enabled people to bring more attention to relationships and to appreciate their time with others. They talked about how being present to others helped them let go of distressing histories, allowing them to relate to others in new ways. Disagreements also became more constructive, as participants were able to identify their communication problems, and were better able to take on another’s perspective and focus on potential solutions. Study participants also described having more energy, feeling less overwhelmed by negative emotion, and being in a better position to cope with and support others. Getting through difficulties with significant others through mindful communication helped them feel closer, and having the energy and emotional stamina to spend more time with family members helped them grow together. Many participants said that as time went on, the benefits of MBCT permeated their whole life. “Through relating mindfully to their own experiences and to others, they were feeling more confident and were engaging with an increased range of social activity and involvement,” write the authors. The researchers write that in the future, interventions could place a more explicit focus on approaching relationships with mindfulness. This focus could reinforce the benefit of MBCT, and perhaps lead to even better outcomes in reducing the risk of relapse for people with chronic depression.

When their teenager struggles with anxiety or depression, many parents will blame themselves for the trouble. But a new study suggests that a self-compassionate attitude may be more helpful to the teen—and that the best way to foster that self-compassion is to cultivate mindfulness. Researchers at Radboud University collected data from 901 Dutch families,  using questionnaires to measure adolescents’ depression and anxiety, as well as parents’ well-being and approach to parenting. The results, published in the Journal of Child Family Studies, replicate past research suggesting that mindful parenting is associated with better well-being in parents. Mindful parenting involves integrating the principles of mindfulness into parenting: listening to the child with full attention, being emotionally aware of and non-judgmentally accepting of the self and the child’s feelings, and not being overly reactive to stressful situations. But the researchers found that the only facet of mindful parenting that seemed to increase an adolescent’s well-being is non-judgmentally accepting one’s parenting skills. In other words, parents who reported less self-blame—and were less self-critical of their own parenting—had adolescents with fewer symptoms of anxiety and depression. Why would a parent’s self-compassion influence their child’s well-being? The researchers speculate that when parents model a non-judgmental attitude toward themselves, adolescents imitate their example. Treating the self with non-judgment and compassion could in turn reduce anxiety and depression. However, it’s equally likely that less adolescent anxiety and depression leads to more self-compassion in parents; when children are happy, parents are less likely to be hard on the self about their performance as a parent. Though more research is needed to determine whether self-compassionate parenting leads to less anxiety and depression in adolescents or vice versa, the researchers think that this finding could be used to better focus interventions for parents. “Parenting programs might focus primarily on increasing parents’ self-compassion with regard to their parenting and less on other mindful parenting practices,” write the authors. A more focused practice could save time, and potentially, be more effective in helping adolescents cope with anxiety and depression.